She is the Sunlight
by Starryright
Summary: Jade and Tori are newly married and completely in love. However, as Tori reflects on the last ten years by re-living them through her journal, the difficult journey they undertook to get here is revealed. (REWRITE) Jori Romance/Bade Friendship. TW:Eating Disorders.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi Readers :)**

**This story is formatted like a journal/diary. Tori reads back on her life over the past ten years whilst also inserting new entries so it is important to pay attention to the dates. Thanks for reading! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious**

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**Chapter One - 05/28/2021**

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If I had to pick a day in my life that I felt happier than I do right now, I would probably struggle immensely to come up with one. Perhaps the only the day that could even come close would be the day my beautiful wife got down on one knee, the brightest smile on her face, a glimmer of a tear in her eye and proposed. Today I officially married the love of my life.

Jade is perfect for me. I know all newlyweds say this but I seriously mean it. We're opposites, but somehow we fit. And when I made my vows this morning to protect her and love her, I meant them with every fibre of my being. And I know I will keep those vows for the rest of my life.

To be honest, I didn't need to get married to know I meant my vows. Jade and I are 27 years old. We've been living together since Jade turned 23 and our relationship is completely steady. We live together in a large bohemian style house in the Hollywood Hills and we both have amazing jobs in the industry we grew up in and always loved. I achieved my dream of becoming a world famous pop singer and Jade writes songs, stories, and directs movies. You could say - we made it.

But if anyone tried to argue with me that our lives have been easy I would probably have to hit them over the head with something very hard, except I know I wouldn't have to because Jade would be there ten times faster - most likely with scissors.

In fact I don't even know how I'm getting away with writing this because my beautiful wife already warned me that if I dare spend any of our honeymoon writing in this stupid journal of mine then she'd pull the scissors out. But luckily she's sleeping like a baby. We're honeymooning in Puerto Rico in a luxury villa with a private beach, completely secluded from everyone. The scent of sand, chocolate and Jade's factor 50 suncream is filling the air and I can feel my heart melting every few minutes just overwhelmed by how in love I am with the woman asleep next to me.

I always said I didn't need to get married. It's a stupid, archaic tradition that, lets be honest, has not always been very welcoming to same-sex couples. But when I saw Jade in her wedding dress, long dark hair tousled down her back, I knew I wouldn't regret our decision to get married for a second. She is just so beautiful.

The ceremony was small because we only wanted out close friends and family present. Of course Andre, Cat, Robbie and Beck were there. Despite what many people think, Jade and Beck are still incredibly close. They've known each other since childhood and they're best friends. In fact, after everything we've been through these past few years, I consider Beck one of my best friends too. Like I said, the years leading up to this point have not been easy and Beck has been a rock in both of our lives.

We got married in a serene secluded section of East River Meadows close to our old school. We've spent a lot of time there over the years and it means a lot to both of us, which is why we chose to marry each other there. The weather was warm but a cool breeze ran through the trees and made them rustle and slightly blow our hair around. We took photographs and had lunch with the guests before Jade and I escaped to catch our plane for our honeymoon. The moment was a complete blur of happiness, emotion and above all love.

I couldn't have imagined sharing our special day with better people to be honest. Our friends and family have been the kindest, most supportive, forgiving and loyal people even when it seemed like we were at rock bottom. They were there to help. And thankfully because we knew everyone so well the one question that most couples enjoy to answer. _How did you two first get together? _Did not come up. But it got me thinking, when we were on the plane. That maybe we should talk about our story. About the dark times. There was a point in both our lives we thought we'd never make it and not because we didn't want to be together. I've never fallen out of love with Jade. But her story is a little more complicated than mine. And although my story intertwines with hers, I could never imagine how she felt, I don't want to know how she felt. But I know how I felt and I have the story right here in my hand.

So with my left hand running through Jade's soft hair, both of us happier than ever before. I will tell you this story. I will warn you now that it isn't a happy story. Okay there's a happy ending, we get here don't we? This is the happy ever after. But getting here was the hardest thing we as a couple had to go through. Jade as a person had to go through. It's not a happy story. But it's one that I think should be told.

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	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious**

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**Chapter Two - 03/22/2011**

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Hi Journal! I know I haven't written in a while but a LOT of stuff has been happening in my life! First of all, I would like to inform you that I officially sang on international television! It was the most exhilarating night of my life and Mason Thornsmith sort of, maybe, gave me a recording contract! I'm not going to lie, Mason is a bit unusual. But he's a leading pop music producer and there's a chance that if he likes my music he'll make me into a star.

Another thing I should probably mention is the infamous break up. Honestly no one is sure what happened with Beck and Jade. They went from inseparable to detesting each other in the space of a few weeks. Neither of them took the split very well, and they continued to argue right up until a week ago when Jade stormed away from our table, declaring that she was done with all of us. It probably had something to do with the fact that Beck started dating someone new recently. Her name's Megan and she just started school here this semester. She is exactly the opposite of Jade. Brown eyes, ginger hair and loves sport. I've spoken to her a couple of times and she seems really cool.

Although it's only been a week, I already miss Jade sitting with us at lunch. It's weird because, of all the people I thought I might miss, Jade West was not top of my list. She made my life miserable when I first started school here and even though it's been two years since we first met, she still manages to insult me at least once a week. But then again Jade's not all bad. She has her moments when she genuinely is a good friend. I miss her dark sense of humour, her sarcastic comments, and her scissor obsession. I wonder if she'll ever sit with us again.

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**03/27/2011**

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So school was interesting today. For starters I had a triple free period because Improv and R&amp;B Vocals got cancelled. I tried to study as much as I could in the library but by the second hour I was already bored so I decided to wander the corridors for a bit.

It seemed as though a lot of people had classes cancelled today because there were so many students sitting around campus. I bumped into Cat who was bouncing up and down like crazy in her moon boots. I talked to her for a while but it was difficult with the constant jumping, so I told her I'd see her later and went for another walk. I had just turned the corner into the music corridor when I noticed the dark figure, sketching in a cubby hole next to the instrument storage. It only took me a few seconds to realise it was Jade.

"What are you doing sitting in there?" I asked with a smirk. She looked so funny squished up into a ball like that, the words came out before I even had time to think about them. Jade didn't seem amused.

"Uhh how about keeping away from irritating losers like you?" Jade glowered, obviously not finding anything amusing.

"Well." I replied offended. Jade ignored me completely and got back to her sketchbook. I watched her for a moment longer and tried to analyse my feelings. Why is it that whenever Jade says something hurtful to me I can't stick up for myself and I just feel like crying? Like a kid in the playgroud. It's not like this with anyone else, just her. I scowl at her and walk away.

Lunch was boring. Robbie and Rex were "quarreling" and Beck and Megan were making out the entire time. I tried to forget about what happened in my free period with Jade but for some reason, I just couldn't let it go. It was putting me in a horrible mood.

"Whats your problem?" Andre interrogated as soon as everyone else had left. It was just us at the table and I was picking at my nail polish, a habit I always engage in when I'm upset.

"Nothing." I sighed, forcing a smile. Andre raised an eyebrow knowingly. I wish he didn't know me so well sometimes because I'm sure no-one else would have picked up on anything being wrong.

"If you won't tell me I'm gonna have to guess." Andre shrugged, taking one of my fries and biting it. I groaned and continued to refuse to explain. How could I explain when I don't even understand myself.

"Is it girl problems?" Andre suggested making my cheeks immediately blush bright red.

"No! And shhh!" I look around anxiously, hoping that no-one overheard him. Andre is the only person in Hollywood Arts who I've had the courage to come out to and I intend to keep it that way. It's not that I'm embarrassed of my sexuality but I've had bad experiences in the past with people finding out under the wrong circumstances and I do not want that to happen again.

"Who is she?" Andre smiled triumphantly as I fretted over how I could answer his questions. This wasn't some stupid crush.

"Look, please. I really don't want to talk about this." I pleaded with my best friend. Andre shrugged, helping himself to more of my fries.

"You know no-one's gonna care right?" Andre reassured me for the hundredth time. "Whether its chicks or dudes, as long as they make you happy that's all that matters."

"I know. Thanks." I ended the conversation as quickly as possible. Luckily the bell rang for final class so I escaped further interrogation. The truth is, I don't know how I feel about Jade. She's always had this pull on me and I think about her a lot. I honestly just think she's so pretty. Her light blue eyes and her perfectly rosy lips. Oh god… here I go again. I wish that just for once I could figure myself out.

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	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious**

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**Chapter Three - 04/05/2011**

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After Andre's little interrogation last week, I've been keeping my distance from Jade. I told myself, I just need time to sort out my feelings and everything will, hopefully, get better then. It was easy to stay away from her up until 2pm today in class.

"Can I have a pen?" Jade leant across my desk so suddenly I jumped. The scent of Jade's coconut shampoo wafted into my nostrils and within seconds my heart was beating twice as fast as it had been.

"Uhh.." I gawped, "I mean yeah, of course." Without even thinking about it I handed Jade the pen I'd just been using to write with.

"Don't you need this one?" Jade frowned.

"No, I have loads. Tons even." I babbled quickly. My awkward attempt at playing it cool completely failed and Jade raised an eyebrow at me and walked back to her seat. It wasn't until class ended and Jade was out of my eyesight that I released a deep breath I hadn't even realised I'd been holding. Things are getting worse with my.. feelings. I need to get it together, I know what it's like to have a crush on someone you shouldn't. And I really, really shouldn't have a crush on Jade.

Number 1: She's not gay.

Number 2: She's Beck's ex-girlfriend

Number 3: She hates me.

Oh and Number 4: SHES NOT GAY!

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**04/06/2011**

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So today was odd. I just so happened to be out late from my R&amp;B vocals class in third period - no I wasn't in trouble. Laura just wants me to perform at the open day again. But anyway I was coming out of the classroom and thats when I saw an unusual sight. Jade was sitting in her little cubby hole again but this time she was cutting up a sandwich into tiny little pieces.

And okay what I'm about to confess is a little creepy but I watched her. At first I thought that maybe she was lonely and no one should have to eat lunch alone. I guess a part of me hoped she would see me and invite me to sit with her but I knew that was unlikely. Anyway things got mysterious…

It was just so weird. She spent five minutes cutting her sandwich into perfectly symmetrical triangles. Wiping away the loose crumbs on the side of each one before finally beginning to eat. But she barely took two bites before throwing it in the trash and getting out her sketchbook again. Being the expert stalker I am, I crept away without her even noticing but I couldn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. There was something odd about her behaviour.

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**04/07/2011**

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It's official, I am the biggest creep in the world. Beck and Andre were having a boring old argument at lunch about some pearpad app so I told them I had something to do and hastily left - but I lied, I didn't have anything to do. I just wanted to find Jade again. But when I got to her usual spot she wasn't there. I turned around, heading back towards the canteen and thats when I saw an unusual sight. Jade walking down the corridor in what looked like gym gear. I couldn't believe my luck that I just bumped into her it felt like fate or something so I made the ridiculous decision to follow her.

Being the oh-so-sporty person I am I had no idea where we were going until she entered through a door near the dance hall that said Fitness Suite on it. Before today, I didn't even know that Hollywood Arts had one of those and apparently not many of the other students know either because there were only two other people in there besides Jade.

I watched Jade exercising on the treadmill through the small circular window in the door for about fifteen minutes before I suddenly came to my senses and realised how creepy I was being. When did I become so obsessed with her anyway? Why do I care what Jade is doing at lunch? 

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**04/09/2011**

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Today Jade had a salad, minus the dressing and minus the mayo. It did not look appetizing at all and she only ate half of it before throwing it away. I have to admit it concerns me that she barely eats anything for lunch. I get that break-ups can be hard and its possible she's lost her appetite or something. I don't know.

Once again I followed Jade to the fitness suite. Today she was cycling and her legs were spinning round so fast I seriously wondered how she was even still on the thing. Just like the other day there were hardly any people in there, but it seemed as though Jade had isolated herself to the corner anyway. I watched for around ten minutes until suddenly Jade jumped off the bike. Before I had time to hide myself she saw me and she looked furious.

"Why are you spying on me?!" Jade swung open the gym door and hissed in my face.

"I— I'm not. I was just.." I stammered quickly.

"Save it!" Jade snapped, storming past me

So yeah, I've pushed Jade even further away with my weird stalker-ness. Points to Tori for being a pervy moron. Anyway, I think I'm going to keep my distance from Jade for a while and hold off of the creepiness. Seriously what has got into me?

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**04/13/2011**

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Ok I'm officially worried. I know I said a week ago that I'd stop with the Jade stalking and I have.. sort of. But I've realised that Jade doesn't _just_ go to the gym at lunch, she goes every morning before class starts too. It feels like every time I walk past the fitness suite she's there again.

I mean, I suppose there's nothing wrong with exercising and trying to get fit. It's healthy even. But it's just so out of character, I don't know.. something feels off. I want to talk to her but she's still mad at me for spying on her last week.

Today in Drama, Sikowitz called Jade, Cat and Robbie up onto the stage to perform a scene and I'm going to come off creepy again by saying this, but Jade has always had curves. Like in a good way... Alright she's hot, Jeese! But today when she stood up on that stage next to Robbie and Cat, she looked skinny. She still looked pretty of course, Jade always looks pretty. But it was impossible not to notice that she's lost weight. A lot of weight.

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**04/16/2011**

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After dwelling over everything that's happened recently I decided that maybe I was overreacting a little bit last week. So what if Jade's lost weight? She can do what she wants— it's her body. I felt bad about the creeping on her too and I wanted to apologise. So since she was evidently not going to talk to me in class.. or at lunch.. or at any other time. I decided the best thing to do would be to talk to her where I knew she was definitely going to be.

"Hey." I greeted Jade casually. Appropriately clad in a pair of Trina's gym clothes, I stepped onto the treadmill next to her.

"Why— are you— here?" Jade panted, her face red as she ran up a particularly steep slope in hill-mode.

"I just thought I'd get some exercise. Check this place out. I've never been." I performed my fully rehearsed speech. "Actually I was checking it out a few weeks ago when you saw me. That's why I was looking in the window— to check it out."

"Of course you were." Jade replied obviously not falling for it. Luckily she was too out of breath to argue back so I started jogging slowly.

"How have you been?" I asked. Jade glanced at me suspiciously and I smiled. I really just wanted to know.

"Fine." Jade sounded annoyed. My face fell. Was she ever going to drop her guard and give me a chance to resolve some of the unnecessary tension between us.

"Jade. I just want to be your friend. I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye but I do miss you, you know?" I turned the speed down on my treadmill to a walk. Jade did the same.

"Whats got into you recently?" Jade looked at me almost humorously. I felt my cheeks flush red again.

"Uh— what do you mean?" I stammered.

"Why do you suddenly care about me? You never used to care about me." Jade accused harshly. She seemed genuinely perplexed that I asked her a simple _how are you, _and that hurt my feelings a bit. I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. How could I explain that I've always cared about her in ways that I hardly even have the guts to admit to myself.

"I'm just saying that I'm here for you and if you need someone to talk to about Beck or anything then you can talk to me." I told the truth whilst also avoiding the question. Jade looked pensively at the screen on her treadmill. I could tell I'd hit a nerve by bring up Beck and just for a second I thought I'd won her trust.

"I wouldn't talk to you if you were the last human being on the planet Vega." Jade glared at me before walking away. I felt a sting in my heart and my face heat up as a mixture of anger and sadness overwhelmed me. I hate her. *sigh.* I wish I could hate her.

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	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious

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**Chapter Four - 04/02/2011**

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Ughh! I have the worst luck in the world. Why is it that whenever I make the decision to stay away from Jade something forces me to be with her? Today was the day we got our our final drama assignments and obviously Sikowitz couldn't just let us choose who we want to work with. I gripped the edge of my seat as our teacher read out the list of partners whilst thinking to myself, anyone. Anyone but her.

"Beck and Sinjin!"

"Andre and Beth!"

"Ryan and Cat!"

I knew it before our names were even read off the sheet. I could feel Jades piercing glare as though I had chosen to put us in this situation. It just made me feel even worse. All I'd done was reach out to her and try to be a good person and she only gave me insults and meanness in return!

"Jade and Tori!" Sikowitz read our names at last. Naturally we were the last on the list. I turned to Andre and gave him my most pleading look, begging him to swap with me. Andre mouthed the word 'sorry' before moving his chair to sit next to Beth, who was smiling prettily. Everyone else in the class seemed to do the same. I folded my arms in protest, not moving an inch.

"Tori!" Our crazy teacher called me from the stage where he was sitting cross-legged. "Your partner is over there." I glanced at Jade who faked an innocent expression and I rolled my eyes, grumpily moving my chair next to the darkly dressed girl. Today she was wearing a big black jumper, over a dark green shirt and dark grey skirt. She looked cute but the smirk on her face annoyed me.

"Well thats not a happy face." Jade taunted me. I didn't reply, pulling my notepad out of my bag and thought about script ideas. The only positive point I could find about working with Jade was that she actually can act, unlike some of the others in this class. I already knew we'd get an A.

We worked without speaking for another thirty minutes until the end of class. Everyone began to file out of the classroom, including Sikowitz who said he needed to go feed his pet duck. I was steps away from the classroom door when suddenly, I felt something electric course through my body. Jade had grabbed my hand and pulled me back towards our seats. Andre and Beck looked at us in a mixture of confusion and protectiveness. To be honest even I wasn't sure if Jade was about to attack me in that second. But she glared at them and I gave them a nod of permission to leave. Once Sinjin left we were completely alone in the classroom.

"What?" I asked coldly. Despite the increase in my heart rate when her hand touched mine I still remembered what she'd said to me last week in the gym. If I was the last person in the world she'd ever talk to then why was she deliberately trying to speak to me alone now.

"Don't you want to sort out when were actually going to do this thing?" Jade balanced on the edge of the table.

"I honestly don't." I replied truthfully.

"Uggggghh! I'm sorry!" Jade basically yelled at me. I dropped my glare in confusion. There was no way I'd expected her to apologise on her own. That wasn't the Jade West way. There was only one other time she'd apologised to me and it was after she got me detention and almost kicked out of school. Even still I'm convinced that Beck probably forced her somehow.

"For what?" I decided to play it out longer. Jade's face was red with fury or embarrassment or something that she'd actually willingly been nice to me. It amused me how difficult this apology was for her.

"Don't push it Vega." Jade gritted her teeth and folded her arms. I suddenly noticed her cheeks looked more sunken in than usual. Her eyes had dark circles under them whilst her skin looked pale. I dropped my stony glare and remembered she'd obviously been going through a hard time recently. It was just petty of me to keep this argument going.

"How's this Friday for you, after last period?" I suggested

"Fine. Where?" Jade asked, pulling her phone out of her pocket and typing in a reminder.

"We could just go to the Asphalt." I shrugged.

"No." Jade declined. Ok the canteen was probably a bad choice since she's been avoiding as though it were rat-infested lately.

"Karaoke Dokie?" I tried once again to suggest a place but Jade shook her head. She even grabbed her bag and took a couple of steps away but I quickly reached for her hand pulling her back. Once again I felt electricity soaring through my veins and I gulped nervously.

"The Meadows then?" I replied, trying my best not to blush.

"You're relentless." Jade grumbled.

"I do try." I smirked, however not without feeling a slight concern. It seemed obvious to me that she didn't want to go places where she'd be forced to order food. Which didn't really normal to be honest.

"Fine." Jade agreed finally. "But I'm driving."

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**04/28/2011**

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For the past three weekends Jade and I have met up in Meadows coffee shop just round the corner from school to work on our drama assignment. It's actually been really, really fun. We still have a few disagreements from time to time but for the most part we've been laughing a lot and our script so far is amazing! I didn't realise Jade was so good at writing, she seems to come up with the best ideas without any effort.

Talking to Jade has been easy, natural even. Since we both seem to have dropped constantly teasing each other, things have been so much better between us. I really hope it lasts. A part of me is worried that when the assignment is over she'll just go back to hating me again. But for now things are really, really good between us. She's still not sitting with our group at lunch but I can tell from what she's said that she misses everyone.

I've actually gotten to know Jade more this past month than I have in the past two years! I found out a couple of days ago that her Father is a millionaire. She said it so casually like it wasn't even a big deal and with a large pinch of distaste.

I even got her to talk about Beck. She told me how their Mother's became best friends in college, so her and Beck had basically grew up together. They were in the same class in middle school, auditioned to Hollywood Arts together and spent almost every day in each others company for the best part of her life. If a glimmer of sadness crossed her features it was only for a second and she covered it up quickly. I guess it's only human she still feels sad about losing a lifelong friend - i know I would.

I'm not jealous that Beck and Jade have this long history together. Okay fine maybe I am just a little. It's stupid because they're obviously not on good terms at the moment. They barely acknowledge each other's existence and Beck has a new girlfriend. It's not like Jade's my girlfriend or anything.. I have no rights whatsoever to feel jealous.

But it was after she told me that story and I sat watching her stir her coffee in thoughtful silence that it hit me all at once. I'm falling for her. Hard. I don't know how this happened because I feel like I completely skipped the crush stage. Maybe I've just always had a crush on her but never admitted it to myself before today— I don't know. I just know that my feelings for her are stronger than any I've felt for anyone before. I don't know what to do.

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**05/01/2011**

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Jade is getting skinnier and skinnier, to the point that it's not just me who's noticing anymore. Trina came up to her in the corridor the other day and asked her for weight loss tips. Even Andre complemented her new slim frame in Music this afternoon. The whole thing made me shudder. No I'm not jealous again I just think she needs to stop losing weight now. She's already lost by far enough.

With Jade's weight loss on my mind it suddenly occurred to me that I almost never see Jade eat. She's always been extremely picky about food and she's definitely more of a salad person than a hamburger person but recently I swear she doesn't eat. The thought made my skin turn cold. She is always in the fitness suite working within minutes of class ending so I know there's no way she manages to eat lunch. I just really hope this isn't what I think it is.

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**05/04/2011**

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Putting aside whatever feelings I may or may not have for Jade, I'm really starting to worry about her. I know I said I was going to reign in on the creepiness but I needed to confirm my suspicions. So instead of staying until the end of my history class, I left a few minutes early and went to stand in the music corridor where I knew Jade was doing singing lessons. I peeked through the window to make sure she was there and then waited, standing inconspicuously at the side. When the bell rang for lunch, I hid myself in the instrument cupboard and waited for her to come out and as soon as she did, I followed her. She headed first to the locker room and put on her gym clothes, I know. I turned away when she changed because I'm not that much of creep! But I looked again just in time to see her taking two pills. I followed her out of the locker room, every single molecule in my body hoping she'd stop at the tuck shop for at least an apple or something but she didn't. She went straight to the fitness suite.

Running back to the locker room I quickly ate half the sandwich I'd brought for lunch, leaving half in case.. well in case Jade wanted it. Maybe there's some other reason she's not eating other than by choice. I changed into my gym gear and crossed the corridor to the fitness suite. Jade was on the cross-trainer today and she smiled at me briefly when I stepped onto the one next to her.

"Hey" Jade greeted me breathlessly. "What are you doing back here?"

"Exercising." I teased her gently. Jade even laughed slightly at that one.

"Want a race?" She suggested after a while

"Umm yeah sure" I replied still thinking of way to approach her about eating

"Last to 10 miles has to buy the other coffee." Jade explained her rules, resetting her cross trainer so that the milage said zero.

"3.. 2.. 1.. GO!" Jade counted us down and immediately started sprinting. I moved my legs as fast as I could to try and keep pace but she was obviously way more motivated than I was.

At the 5 mile mark Jade seemed to run out of steam and she took a breather. She took several big gulps from her water bottle and wiped the sweat from her forehead. I watched her from the corner of my eye with worry. Her hands were trembling and her eyes looked glazed over.

"Are you okay?" I asked, slowing down to walking pace.

"Yeah fine" Jade replied instantaneously. I could tell she was exhausted though.

"Maybe we should stop." I suggested in concern.

"No I'm good" Jade jumped back on the cross trainer and continued her work out. My pulse was racing and not just because I was exercising. I had this very real fear that she could quite easily collapse.

"What did you have for lunch?" I asked as casually as I could.

"Tuna salad." Jade replied instantly. Lie.

"It's just I didn't see you at Festus' truck." I urged her to continue, hoping she'd give me some sort of believable explanation.

"Yeah I ate in the locker room." Jade assured me. Big lie.

I'm not sure whether I did the right thing spying on her like that. I know she's not eating and potentially taking some kind of diet pills but I can't confront her about it because she was never supposed to know that I followed her in the first place. Honestly, I'm not sure whether I'm more upset that she lied to me or that she's doing this. All I'm sure about is that it's dangerous. Jade won our little cross trainer challenge so I'm buying her coffee on Monday. Maybe I'll have thought of something to say by then.

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	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious**

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**Chapter 5 - 05/08/2011**

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It's been a week since I last wrote in this journal and honestly I haven't written because I'm not sure what to write. I'm ashamed to admit I still haven't intervened with what Jade's been doing to herself at all.

On Monday I took Jade for coffee like I promised and I swear I was going to confront her about not eating - but somehow my feelings for her got in the way. We had a really, really nice time. We were holding hands, and touching and flirting. We sat in comfortable silence whilst she drew little patterns on my arm with her fingertip and it gave me chills. She even let me hug her goodbye. It doesn't sound like a big deal but Jade is so weird about physical contact so I must have done something right with her. It was going so well I didn't want to ruin it by bringing up the diet pills, or the excessive exercising.

Throughout the week Jade has gradually got weaker. Tuesday afternoon she fell asleep in our Math class, for which she promptly got detention. And although I still met up with her in the gym at lunch, she was ending her sessions earlier and earlier and I could tell she was exhausted. But I still didn't say anything.

Our final rehearsal for our Drama assignment was tonight and it did not go well. Jade kept forgetting her lines and doing things wrong. It looked like she hadn't practiced at all even though I knew that wasn't true. I'd been there when she'd done much better performances so I don't know what was going wrong.

"Oh for fucks sake!" Jade shouted, reaching for her script after she forgot her lines for about the tenth time.

"Calm down." I suggested, placing a hand on her shoulder. She shrugged me off in annoyance and read and re-read the script.

"Okay." Jade said, standing quickly. She stumbled suddenly and placed a hand on her head as if she was dizzy. It only took her a few seconds to get her balance back but it scared me. She is obviously unhealthily skinny now. I wish there was some way I could approach her about this but I'm too afraid. I only just gained her trust. If I tell her I think something is wrong then it will only push her away from me. I don't know what to do.

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**05/08/2011**

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Today was bad. Really really bad. It was the performance day for our drama assignment and our entire class was going to be watching us. I always feel at least a tiny bit nervous before I go on stage whereas Jade never gets stage fright. However today she was a mess. I knew it was because of the mistakes she made in our final rehearsal. She was reading the script over and over before we went on stage and even after I reassured her that I'd cover her if she forgot her lines, she looked like a nervous wreck.

The performance actually went great. I think because of the adrenaline rush, the lines all came back to Jade and once the whole thing was over she gave me a relieved smile. I was so pleased for her that things went well I practically skipped backstage, excited to give her a hug, but thats when the worst happened.

"Tori!" I heard Cat shout suddenly and I whipped my head around just in time to see Jade fall to a heap on the floor. I ran over quickly.

"Jade?" I grabbed her hand instinctively and squeezed her fingers. She moaned uncomfortably and I breathed a sigh of relief that she was conscious. I grabbed a bottle of water for her from my bag, in case she was just dehydrated but deep down I knew what the problem was. A few minutes passed before she found the energy to sit up and take a sip of the water.

"Tori?" Cat said nervously. "Should I get Sikowitz?"

"No!" Jade stood up, sounding annoyed. "I'm fine."

"Do you want one of us to drive you home?" I suggested, extremely worried about her. Cat started sucking a piece of her hair, showing that she felt the same

"I said I'm fine!" Jade repeated herself. I looked across the room and noticed Beck and Sinjin getting ready to go on stage. Beck was glaring at Jade with an almost accusatory look on his face.

"What?!" Jade snapped at him, after following my line of sight. Beck didn't reply but shook his head, an angry look on his face. Jade rolled her eyes before storming out of the classroom. I rubbed an anxious Cat's back before returning to my seat in the audience. Whatever this is that's affecting Jade it's gone too far now.

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**05/10/2011**

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I know! I know! I'm a terrible person for not talking to Jade already. It's just not that easy to bring this sort of thing up and finding the right words is impossible. But when I arrived at school this morning, the sound of something that hadn't been heard in the hallways of Hollywood Arts for a long time caught my attention. It was unmistakably a Beck and Jade argument.

"You cant do this to yourself!" Beck hissed at his ex-girlfriend.

"I can do what I want!" She snapped back.

"You are making yourself sick. It's not normal to collapse after you perform. You're starving yourself again.. aren't you?" Beck's words caught me attention, he'd asked the thing I'd been too much of wimp to ask her myself.

"Fuck off!" Jade's expression faltered for a second before returning to her angry expression. But in those few seconds that she hadn't held it together Beck picked up on it and dragged his hands down his face exasperatedly.

"Oh my God! What are you trying to prove Jade!?" Beck yelled furiously, grabbing her wrists.

"Leave me alone! We broke up! You don't get to tell me what I can and cant do anymore!" Jade yanked her arms out of his grip.

"I can when it comes to this!" Beck argued

"No! No you can't!" Jade hissed back.

"I'm not the only one who's noticed Jade. Andre's noticed, Tori's noticed, even Cat's noticed!" Something in Beck's voice rung with me. He was worried and apparently he was aware that I was too.

Jade gave her ex one of her most vicious looks before walking off, leaving Beck stood there with a combination of rage and worry in his expression. At this point I decided to reveal myself from where I'd been hiding near the girls bathroom. I approached Beck as I normally would of a morning, hopeful he'd reveal more information about this. But the moment he saw me his demeanor changed completely. You wouldn't even think that the conversation he and Jade just had, had even happened when he started discussing our drama theory homework. You wouldn't know that anything had happened at all.

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**05/11/2011**

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Jade West is in my bed. And no you didn't read that wrong. She's tucked under my quilt, head on my pillow and cuddled up to one of my old stuffed toys. You may be wondering why I'm not completely ecstatic to have her here. I am.. in a way. She fell asleep here and I'm not about to make her move. I love the feeling of her curled into my side and her warm breath on my shoulder. I just wish she was here because she wanted to be and not because she just cried herself to sleep.

In class today Jade was being different. Sikowitz called her onto the stage and she refused, insisting she had a headache. I already stare at her in class so it wasn't unusual that I kept my eye on her again. She seemed miserable and was trembling and it broke my heart to see the usually strong girl this torn up. When the bell rang, she peeled herself from her desk and walked unsteadily towards me.

"I'm not going to the gym this lunch." Jade informed me.

"Are you ok?" I asked concernedly. She had this look in her eye, an almost frantic appearance and I could tell she was in a hurry to get somewhere.

"Yeah I'm fine." Jade plastered the most fake smile I've ever seen on to her face. I know that I should have talked to her there and then but she caught me completely off guard and I could not read her behaviour for the life of me. Instead I let her walk away all the while, scolding myself for making excuses again.

It wasn't until the end of the day when I was passing the gym that I finally kicked myself up the ass. Out of habit I peered through the window and of course, she was there. She was the only person there. At this point I knew time was up. I was already involved in this and the only decent thing I could do was confront her about what I knew.

I opened the door to the fitness suite and locked it behind me so no one would burst in and interrupt. Jade was running on the treadmill when I approached her and she looked in pain and exhausted. I couldn't believe I'd let this go on so long.

"Jade." I cleared my throat and announced myself. Jade flicked her eyes in my direction before returning to face the front.

"What?" Jade exhaled.

"Why are you here again?" I spoke sternly, not dissimilar to the way Beck had spoken to her before.

"Training." Jade replied.

"What are you training for Jade?" I asked in the same stern manner. A long silence filled the air between us as Jade just ignored me completely. I realised then that telling her off was not the way to go about this.

"Just stop." I said softly. Her breathing was so out of sync with her running and the colour was drastically draining from her cheeks and I knew I needed to stop her in the next couple of minutes or she'd collapse - again.

"Please, please listen to me." I begged "You need to stop. Jade, you're killing yourself!"

Her reaction to this was not what I expected. She just began to cry. Alarmed, I leant over and pressed the emergency stop button on her treadmill as she held her head in her hands and crumbled in front of me. I pulled her firmly off the machine and into my arms and held her as she cried. I couldn't believe she was as weak as she was. She was panting in exhaustion and whimpering but she didn't push me away, in fact after a while I could feel her hugging me back whilst the tears on her face trickled down her cheeks and onto my shirt. I don't know how I was brave enough to do what I did next, but somehow I did and I will never forget the terror that filled me.

Slowly my fingers found the edge of Jades t-shirt and I peeled it upwards until her torso was exposed. She was still leaning against me so I couldn't see it but I didn't need to, I could feel it. Gently I ran my hands down her protruding ribcage to her shockingly tiny waist. It was too much for her when my hands rested on what were once her curvy hips and she pushed my hands off. The only word that came to my mind in that moment was bones.

"What are you doing to yourself?" I whispered, completely terrified for her.

"I don't know" she choked out, tears pouring down her cheeks she stared only at the floor, "Im fucked up."

There was nothing I could say so I just pulled her back into a hug and listened to her repeating. "Im so fucked up." over and over.

"Baby." I found myself stroking her hair, wanting to do anything to comfort her right now. I just stood there and let her cry. I don't know how long we stood there for but I knew I wasn't letting go of her until her tears at least somewhat stopped.

"Lets go back to mine and we can fix this." I eventually pulled back, waiting for her to meet my eye.

"We can't." Jade replied, sounding completely hopeless.

"We can." I took tight hold of her hand. "I promise you we can."

After a completely silent drive to my house I took her inside and to my relief none of my family was in the living room. Jade had obvious red blotches on her face and mascara dripping down her cheeks so there would have been no way I could have got her upstairs without Trina or my Mother asking questions.

I showed Jade into my en suite so she could clean herself up a bit and when she came back she'd washed her face completely clean of makeup, something I'd never seen before. It made her look younger but not any less beautiful. There was something gentle and innocent about Jade's face without her usual thick layer of pale foundation and dark eye makeup.

I went downstairs to the kitchen and returned with two bowls of strawberries. Jade had to eat something. That I'd decided. I wasn't about to let her starve for a second longer. When I got back upstairs Jade was lying down on my bed. I sat down next to her and brushed a strand of her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. She was acting nothing like the Jade I knew.

I put on some old children's show from the nineties whilst we sat and ate the strawberries. I tried to keep pace with her for some reason as I could see even from the corner of my eye that she was struggling to eat. She kept picking up strawberries with her fork and placing them on her lips and then back down in the bowl.

Almost an hour later, the show finished and Jade pushed the bowl of fruit that she'd barely touched aside. I did the same with my empty bowl and muted the tv turning to face her, to my surprise and sadness, she already had tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Jade I really wish you'd tell me what's going on. Why you aren't eating, why you're exercising so much." I told her in as gentle manner as I could. "But I can tell you're hurting. And if you don't think you can talk to me about it right now that's ok."

"I don't think I can talk about it right now." Jade whimpered. Her whole being was screaming for someone to hold her and hug her and make her feel safe, but I held back.

"That's ok but you have to tell me soon." I said softly. Jade nodded and looked down, sniffing and wiping her face with her palms. I watched her quietly for a moment unsure of my next move.

Instead of fighting my instincts anymore, I shuffled closer to Jade and wrapped my arms around her, kissing her cheek. It tasted of her tears and faintly of my bathroom soap. Jade saw this as a green light as such and I felt her snuggle against me, laying her head on my shoulder she whimpered.

"It's okay, just cry." I reassured her gently. She didn't need my encouragement as she sobbed painful, broken tears onto my shirt. I enclosed her tightly in my arms and laid us both down on my bed. Silently watching as the strongest girl I knew came completely undone.

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	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious**

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**05/29/2021.**

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One of the most unwonted things about being on your honeymoon is that life stops for a while. All the stresses of your job, your friends, your everything disappears and you are transported to a world where the only two things that matter are you and your lover.

The best thing about this is, this is absolutely what it's supposed to be about. You aren't required to do any crazy sightseeing tours, family-fun days, or even keep in contact with anyone. The whole vacation can be spent in bed if you wanted to and that would be perfectly acceptable. I have a feeling though that Puerto Rico will be too beautiful to miss.

I woke up this morning to the rich scent of coffee and Jade's homemade banana waffles wafting through the bedroom door. Our honeymoon package included a personal chef but Jade finds giving other people control over what she eats difficult to cope with and stresses her out, so we decided against it. I'm not complaining anyway because Jade knows all my favourites, coincidently my all-time favourite breakfast being the source of that delicious aroma.

"What's all this?" I wandered into the kitchen where Jade was stood at the counter, plating up her creation. She was dressed only in a silky black robe which made her look incredibly sexy as the fabric caressed her beautiful curves and left little to the imagination in the cleavage area. My teeth scratched along my bottom lip when she turned around and raised an eyebrow at me as though she knew what I was thinking. I smiled coyly, detaching my eyes from her body for a moment to look around the room and finally noticed the breakfast table in the corner. It had been decorated with a white lace cloth, roses and there were two steaming hot cups of coffee waiting for us.

"Well, it's our first day as a married couple so I thought I'd do something special." Jade placed the plates on the table before beckoning me forwards with her finger. I didn't need anymore persuasion than that and immediately went over to my wife. Her fingertips tugged on my hips as she pulled me towards her and kissed me hard. I lost track of how long our lips were crashing against each others for, but by the time she pulled back I was in a complete daze

"And after last night, I figured you'd be hungry." Jade winked when we finally caught out breath. She turned around and walked across the room to bend over the pearpod speaker and within seconds it was playing a playlist of romantic songs which we'd made together on the plane. I looked down at the beautiful breakfast spread she'd made stunned. It was completely out of character. She'd even arranged the banana slices into hearts.

"Who are you and what have you done with my Jade?" I found myself asking suspiciously.

"Shut up and just accept my attempt at being romantic." Jade smirked taking a seat at the table. I followed her lead and sat down opposite her, picking up my coffee mug to take a long, warm sip. We ate together in comfortable silence just enjoying our food and each others company. It was the perfect start to our marriage.

After breakfast we decided to go for a walk along the secluded beach. The sound of the waves crashing against the sand and the scent of tropical fruit filled the air. I was in heaven and just one look at the content expression Jade had on her face pushed me over the edge and after only ten minutes walking I found myself launching into Jades arms and kissing her again. Jade staggered backwards startled at my sudden eagerness but she kissed back just as fervently and we rolled around in the sand making out as though our lives depended on it.

"What are we, horny teenagers?" Jade asked. I laughed and kissed her again, and again and again. When we finally left the beach our lips were bruised and tingling but we were smiling like the cheesy lovers we pretend not to be.

Since we were both inevitably covered in sand, as soon as we got back to the villa we got in the shower. The feeling of the cool water splashing down my skin was a luxury after spending all morning in the hot sun and I closed my eyes letting the sound of the water jets hammering against our bodies completely numb me. When I opened them again, Jade was washing herself and I just stared at the soap suds as they dripped slowly down her breasts and then onto the floor and tried not to show how hot I was getting — again. After she'd washed herself she turned to me and without even giving me a choice began massaging my body with the soap. She positioned us so we were front to back, starting with my shoulders, rubbing them firmly until there was absolutely no tension left. Then she made her way down to my breasts. Even though I couldn't see her face I could tell she grinned when I released the satisfied moan that I'd been trying so hard to keep inside me. From this point onwards, I lost control of the sounds I was making as her hands slid down my stomach to my intimate area and massaged me until I came in waves of complete bliss.

I would be lying if I said we didn't spent the rest of the day naked in the villa. But like I said before, no one can judge us for it because we're on our honeymoon and being together is more important than what we do. Maybe tomorrow we'll be able to see more of the island but I wouldn't take today back for a second. Did I mention that I love Jade? I don't think I have recently. Well.. I love her. I heart wrenchingly, uncontrollably love her. I love her.

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	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious**

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**Chapter Seven - 05/13/2011.**

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I know I should have written in this journal yesterday after I took Jade home but I seriously just couldn't. If I had, then it would just have been a horrible mess of illegible words and smudged ink. I guess I should have expected what Jade's been doing to be graphic. I've known for a long time that she's been starving herself but hearing it from her own mouth made it real, and seeing her so weak made it dangerous.

Jade slept for almost five hours and by 10o'clock I was beginning to get concerned that she wouldn't actually wake up. Luckily within that hour she finally started to stir. It took her five minutes to properly regain consciousness but when she did, her emotions seemed to come all at once.

"Shit. SHIT!" Jade sat up quickly, only just realising where she'd fallen asleep. Frantically she began rummaging around the bed sheets for her phone.

"It's okay. I texted your Dad on your phone to tell him your here, calm down!" I abandoned my laptop at my desk and came to sit next to the panicked looking girl in my bed.

"What the hell Tori! Why didn't you wake me up?" Jade exclaimed angrily.

"I think you know why." I said sternly.

"Oh my Dad's going to kill me." Jade ran her hands through her hair, shaking her head, "I was supposed to take Charlie to his chess tournament tonight. Oh my God. I have to go."

"No chance. You're not going anywhere without giving me some serious explanations. And you can get it out of your head right now that you're leaving here without eating something."

"I do what I want." Jade slipped her feet out of the bed and stood up. Grabbing her schoolbag from the side, she swung it over her shoulder and took two shaky steps in the direction of my bedroom door. Before she had the chance to get any further I stood up and blocked the door.

"What's going on Jade? Are you anorexic?" I voiced my main suspicion.

"Tori please!" Jade pleaded with me.

"You can trust me." I reached out and squeezed hold of her hand. Jade sighed in annoyance, but I felt it. She squeezed my hand back.

"It's pathetic." She croaked.

"I don't care. You need to tell me what you've been doing." I said firmly. Jade just shook her head, her eyes wet, threatening to burst into tears again.

"I know you've not been eating and you're exercising excessively."

Jade shook her head again, "It's just training."

"Training for what?" I frowned. Jade shrugged not looking me directly in the eye.

"How long has this been going on for?" I asked concerned. Once again Jade didn't answer, completely closing up.

"Is it since the breakup?" I guessed. A strange expression crossed Jades face and seconds later she slowly nodded. My heart broke for her as her breath caught in her throat and a single tear dripped down her cheek. I wrapped my arms around her once again.

"I miss him." Jade whispered.

"That's allowed Jade. It would be weird if you didn't." I assured her gently. "But this? Starving yourself. That's not ok."

"I cried so much it made me sick. I missed him so much I just sort of forgot to eat." Jade explained.

"Oh Jade."

"And then.. He got with Megan. Starving myself, making myself puke. It's all just punishment for being a fat bitch who wasn't good enough for him." Jade said bitterly. "But…"

"But what?" I questioned her.

"But I still wasn't good enough." Jade cried almost angrily. I was completely stunned and just sat there listening to her painful words. It physically hurt me to hear everything she'd been doing to hurt herself. And I was _furious_ that this whole thing was caused by Beck. He acted like the innocent one when this was going on behind closed doors.

"After a while I started puking up blood. The worst thing is I didn't even care. I just needed that empty feeling." Jade whispered.

"That's—" I began.

"Disgusting isn't it?" Jade wiped the tears away from her eyes. I was still completely heartbroken after hearing everything so brutally. I'd wanted to know what was going on, but I honestly wasn't prepared for hearing this.

"No." I shook my head, gulping back a cry and taking hold of her hand. "Disgusting wasn't one of the words I was thinking."

"I just wanted to be slim and perfect." Jade explained "I've always been the fat girl. You and Cat are so slim and beautiful and then there's me, flabby and big hips and legs and boobs — I just wanted to be beautiful."

"You are beautiful Jade." I told her honestly, "And you were beautiful before all this. You always have been."

"I just don't believe you." Jade whispered. Neither of us spoke for a while as I processed everything Jade had just confessed to me. I was completely taken aback how someone as stunning as Jade could sit there and tell me she wasn't beautiful. And the fact she still thought she was fat scared me, refusing to believe me when I told her how tiny she was. She obviously had a completely warped view of her body.

"I'm going to prove to you that you are beautiful." I stood up and went over to my desk drawer. I pulled it open and found a bunch of photographs, most of them taken last year in the summer. I brought them back over to the bed and lay them out in front of Jade.

"Look at you! You have a gorgeous body, your hair is beautiful, you have a beautiful smile, your skin is flawless."

"I'm white as a ghost." Jade mumbled negatively.

"And it suits you!" I responded. "A lot of people just look ill with pale skin but somehow you look like Snow White!"

Through her tears Jade managed a small laugh, "Trust you to make a disney princess reference right now." I smiled and pushed a few stray curls off her face.

"And you have the prettiest eyes of anyone I've ever seen." I confessed. Jade exhaled and looked back at me vulnerably.

"Not as pretty as yours." Jade replied quietly. My stomach fluttered hearing that as my dark eyes met her teary blue ones. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her.

"I'm going to help you ok? You're not alone with this." I promised her. "No more throwing up, no more starving yourself or diet pills, no more crazy gym sessions. Will you do that for me?"

Jade looked down at the photographs of us and our friends, happy, laughing, singing and then glanced at her now bony forearms and minuscule waist. I held my breath waiting to hear her reply and when she did, a smile spread across my face. She only had to say one little word.

"Ok."

Around twenty minutes later we both pulled ourselves together and went downstairs. Trina frowned as the two of us entered the living room. I knew it was weird that my previous "frenemy" had been upstairs with me for so long and I half expected an interrogation when I got back, but luckily she seemed to forget about it. I drove Jade home then. Pulling up outside her house Jade exhaled, turning to face me.

"Thanks." She said quietly.

"It's okay. Go in, go take a bath and just eat something please." I replied anxiously. Jade nodded and gave me a hug. I felt a lump rising in my throat again, I don't know why. The moment she went inside I drove away but only for five minutes. I had to pull up a few streets away unable to see the road through my tears. I'm not even sure why I cried - I guess it was all just too much.

After I cried, I checked my phone and I already had three texts from Jade begging me to keep this a secret and assuring me she was going to eat properly. I decided that for now, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. It must have took her a lot to trust me with this, so I wasn't about to betray her by blabbing and potentially losing her trust altogether. Besides, she told me she doesn't have anorexia. She's just really upset about Beck. And given time, she'll get over him and get over these problems. This is a temporary thing. It has to be.

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	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious**

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**Chapter Eight - 05/16/2011**

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Its been five (difficult) days since Jade slept over at my house. I'm not walking around in paralysing fear that she could drop down dead anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not still worried. She's got some colour back in her cheeks and seems more herself at school and she's eating again.

I made her give me her gym card which seemed to annoy her a lot, but it makes me feel better that she literally cannot go. I also convinced her to sit with our friends at lunch again. Everyone seemed pleased that Jade was back with our group and even Beck smiled when she sat down next to me on Monday. I however, did not smile. I just don't feel like I can see Beck the same way I did before, not now I know he's the reason Jade started starving. Whenever he smiles at me or I hear him laugh, I feel angry. I'm trying not to let it show but I'm finding it hard not to roll my eyes at everything he says.

The one thing I didn't expect to come from all of this though is how Jade's been acting around me now. She's always been slightly hostile and freaks out when people touch her and I guess she's still that way, just not with me. Instead of the cold behaviour I've grown used to from her, she's constantly finding my hand when we're just sitting around. It's unexpected but that doesn't mean I dislike it. I probably like it a bit too much, I like indulging her in it. If she holds my hand, I hold it back. If she leans her head on my shoulder, I never hesitate to wrap my arm around her waist. I like taking care of her and I guess, I feel like she needs a little more taking care of at the moment. 

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**05/22/2011  
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I guess things got better too quickly, or I deluded myself into thinking things had got better when they really hadn't at all. Today I caught Jade throwing up in the girls bathroom. I feel so stupid that I didn't even think that she might do that. I innocently went to the bathroom at the start of my English class and I realised there was someone being sick in one of the cubicles. I was about to call out and ask if they were ok when I noticed Jades bag sticking out of the gap in the door and my heart sunk. I stood next to the sinks, arms crossed waiting for her to finish and when she finally opened the cubicle door, I saw the realisation cross her face. She knew she'd been caught.

"Ugh don't eat the veggie burgers. I swear Festus puts something rotten in them." Jade didn't meet my eye as she crossed the room and started to wash her hands. I stared at her in disbelief

"Really?" I said skeptically.

"Yeah I think he gave me food poisoning." Jade continued.

"Drop the act Jade, you and I both know that's crap." I scolded.

"Why are you spying on me?" Jade suddenly became defensive.

"I was just going to the bathroom and then—"

"Well if you need the bathroom, go to the bathroom! Don't just stand and wait to make a fool out of me, there's such a thing as privacy!" Jade interrupted me, her words stinging me like poison.

"I'm not trying to make a fool out of you." I sighed.

"Then don't stand outside toilet cubicles when someones being sick, Jesus it's not exactly rocket science Tori!" Jade snapped.

"What?" I widened my eyes "But you're doing it on purpose!"

"Just stop spying on me!" Jade stormed out before I could even get another word in the conversation. I groaned loudly as she slammed the door closed. I felt like we'd taken one tiny step forwards and now, several steps back. I'm not taking my eye off her at school anymore. I'm going to be watching her like a hawk. 

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**05/23/2011  
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Aghhhhhhh! I'm more confused than I have ever been before. Today Beck finally had enough of me ignoring and scowling at him constantly and called me out on it. We were both at our lockers and Beck was trying to start a conversation with me about one of the senior plays. I brushed off nearly everything he said, still feeling pissed with him about the Jade situation but somehow he figured it out.

"Is this about Jade?" Beck said suddenly.

"What?" I asked confused.

"Tori you're supposed to be one of my close friends but you're acting like you barely even know me right now." Beck sounded hurt

"Why would you assume that's anything to do with Jade?" I asked him seriously.

"Because you've been hanging out with her a lot. I'm not stupid Tori. She's obviously said something to you to turn you against me." Beck frowned.

"She hasn't." I shook my head, closing my locker door.

"Then care to tell me what I've done to upset you?" Beck asked exasperatedly. I kept quiet, ignoring his question. I couldn't explain to him why I was mad with him without revealing everything Jades been doing and I wasn't about to go behind her back to her ex-boyfriend like that. But it turned out I didn't need to.

"How much weight has Jade lost this time?" Beck shrugged. My eyes widened.

"A lot." I said quietly.

"Oh God. Tori just talk to me please!" Beck practically pleaded.

"How do you know?" I asked shocked.

"How do I know?" Beck repeated. "Tori she might not be my girlfriend anymore but I know her better than anyone. Give me some credit."

"I'm so mad at right now" I shook my head.

"Why?" Beck asked.

"Because this is your fault!" I snapped angrily.

"How is it my fault?" Beck looked confused. I scoffed, typical Beck to deny having done anything wrong.

"Do I have to refresh your memory, you dated her for three years, dumped her, stopped speaking to her, started dating someone else after barely even a month! You drove her to this!" I yelled. Beck looked horrified.

"I'm hurting too. The break-up hurt me too!"

"Oh you're hurting? Just look at her Beck! She's barely even recognisable. How could you do this to her?" I found myself letting out all my anger on him.

"How could you even accuse me of this? I thought you were my friend." Beck seriously looked hurt, not that I cared, "You said it yourself, she was my girlfriend for 3 years! Don't even try to pretend I don't care about her."

"You can't care about her that much since you broke up with her." I snapped.

"We fell out of love with each other Tori." Beck said solemnly. I kept quiet for a moment taking in the seriousness of his tone. I could tell he cared, but it didn't excuse him from this. It wasn't like I wanted Beck and Jade to be together either. I just wanted him to fix the mess he'd made.

"I'm not saying date her.. I'm saying talk to her, stop her from doing this. I'm not sure you realise how serious this is." I said more calmly. The bell rang signalling end of the last period and I was ready to walk away, sick of hearing Beck's excuses but before I had the chance he'd grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me into the janitors closet.

"She's been like this for a long, long time Tori. You think I don't know? I've tried to help her snap out of it but she's been crazy about her food since she was 11." Beck whispered, anxiously peering out of the janitors closet.

"What?" I frowned. As far as I was aware, as far as Jade had told me. This only started a couple of months ago.

"Jade has issues about eating and her weight and she's really, really good at lying about it." Beck emphasised.

"No.. what? This is because of the breakup. This is directly caused because of the break up!" I argued.

"What exactly has she told you?" Beck sighed.

"She's been starving herself, throwing up meals, taking diet pills, exercising way too much." I listed everything I could think of. Beck shook his head, running a hand through his hair anxiously.

"Ok well the over-exercising is.. new. The rest she's done before." Beck sighed.

"Want to know why she's doing this?" I felt a sudden new surge of anger towards him.

"Why she _says_ she's doing this." Beck raised an eyebrow.

"She said she did it because she thought it would make you love her." I folded my arms, waiting for his reaction. It was not what I expected.

"I will always love Jade as a friend, but as a girlfriend.. we just aren't right for each other and she knows that." Beck sighed.

"Well.. that's what's making her do this." I glared.

"It's not Tori." Beck said firmly.

"Yes it is!" I raised my voice, thoroughly annoyed with him and everything he was saying. Why wouldn't he just accept responsibility for his actions? Beck looked angry at me too though and I could tell he'd had enough of arguing with me when he put his hands to the side, in a giving up notion.

"You know what? If it makes you feel better blame me. Blame me for the issues that she's had for years. But I'm not apologising for ending the relationship that made both of us miserable." And with that Beck walked out of the janitors closet leaving me there feeling infuriated.

I can't stop thinking about everything we talked about today. Beck did seem to know a lot more about this than I expected him to. I just don't want to believe that Jade lied to me that night. She seemed completely genuine when she told me Beck was the reason for all of this, but here he was telling me she'd done it all before. I just don't know who to believe.

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